Wrong Interpretation on Things Written *****

Yamato Hotel

South Manchuria Railways

 

Wuden, Manchuria

Sallie dear:

            I have wanted you continually on this trip, but never as I do now.  There are so many things I want to ask you, to tell you, and my head is filled with things racing around in it that I want to say and can’t write, for it is so easy to put the wrong interpretation on things written.  Your letter just came, only one and although it relieved me wonderfully to know you are all right, it depressed me so I can hardly know what to say or do, but I must say something and try to explain as best I can my feeling, tho’ you know yourself how difficult that is.

 I know three months is a short time to know a man.  In fact we were together only three weeks, and then under very pleasing conditions.  For most of that time he was our host, and naturally at his best – but on the other hand, under such conditions where we could know each other better than in most cases.  Then too there were many times when he could have taken advantage of me, but never did, and was particularly careful to put me at my ease.  Times when almost any other man would have made the best of his chance,  as well as making things trying for me.  I have seen him with other girls and older women – he treats them all with true southern courtesy, but never any more, and when we were first at Baquio in General Bell’s house everyone remarked how unusual it was to see “Lieut. Garey out in the evenings, or during the day with me”.  He had always spent his time reading or talking business with the Gen. who swore by him.

 The little affair with Mr. Watson was nothing more than a passing flirtation.  He is simply worshiped throughout the Army by all the girls and even women, as well as always being aide to the general etc., but is very indifferent to it all.  So when I came along and he paid such violent attention to me, I was of course flattered, but we both understood perfectly how things stood, and let it go no further.  I really think one reason he did like [me] was that he felt I was perfectly safe, and was not trying to make him fall in love with me for he knew I was getting daily letters and telegrams from my real lover, who is his very best friend.  So you needn’t worry on that score.  He would make a poor husband, and I wouldn’t trust him five minutes with another woman.

 Right here let me give you what to me was an awful blow, but I’ve got used to it now.  My lover’s name – the last thing on earth you’d ever think of, and he himself hates it – Enoch.  Did you ever hear the like?  But thought you might as well know.  In fact, angel, that is the only thing I’ve been keeping back from you. 

Well, now about the homesickness and loneliness.  I think in a way they kept me from falling in love many other times when all the circumstances were most favorable for the reason that during this past year I have simply bottled up all my emotions to outsiders – have never expressed one way or the other how I felt until I had almost ceased having any feelings toward anyone but you all at home.  Never did a word pass between father and me about how I liked any one man, woman or child.  Now I don’t blame father for this entirely, although he has never encouraged my talking things of that sort over with him (as you can perhaps imagine) for I feel that choking myself off as I did, my heart got not only indifferent to outsiders, but even cold.  It was always in a very impersonal [?] way. If I was interested at all in anyone, for we met so many people who went out of their way to be nice to us that I found I had a part to play and a role to act, so I did it as well as I knew how without sacrificing any principles and being as natural and true to myself as possible.  At very few of the many steamers, etc. we went to did I find a “kindred spirit” or even anyone with whom I had any thing in common, but I always tried [to] be interesting as well as interested, and although I don’t want to be conceited about it, for I did it more for father’s sake than my own.

 I know that generally I was successful.  In Honolulu they liked me because I was game for anything in swimming, which counts more than anything there.  In New Zealand I seemed more animated and had more initiative than the girls there.  In Australia the reputation of the American girl has opened the way there for any who go, and in the Philippines I was simply “a new girl”, and there new or old they are few and far between, and there are so many men that I think they would rush even a broomstick in petticoats.  Now dear, I take no credit to myself, for I know I’m only an ordinary being, and any girl would have had the very same experiences I had, for many men proposed and begged me to marry them.  Some I’m ashamed to think of, and others that are nice little memories to dream over, for lots I know were done without a thought, but some were serious – at least for the moment.  But about very few did I ever care to give a second thought – and still fewer thrilled me for more than the time being – but the point I want to make is that from the very first minute since Enoch and I met on that wretched train at 5:30 in the morning I have felt that we had many things in common and were unusually congenial, not only in the ordinary way of being able to joke and talk easily, but a sort of silent mutual understanding.  I think I admired his principles and liked his ideas before I loved him.  I have never felt towards him that trifling, groundless, excited love (it isn’t love, but I can think of no other word) that I admit I have had for other men momentarily.  Although it may sound foolish to say it didn’t some with a rush when it all happened in so short a time – but really it all seemed to come so gradually and naturally that I can’t remember when I first knew he loved me or I him.  That wild, uncontrollable, almost passionate longing I have felt for some few men I never have felt with him.  When I try to analyze my heart, I seem to love him in a quiet, sensible, reasonable, thoughtful way – perfectly willing to wait the year and a half, but not a shadow of doubt that at the end of that time I will love him even more, just as my love has grown since we were separated these two months.  Especially do I feel this way since we are together again. 

            Angel, I feel sure now that I’ve never been in love before, but the one and only thing that makes me wonder if it is all right is this fact that I feel so serene and quiet inside about it all.  From former experiences, trifling as they may have been, I have always thought that when Mr. Right did come along I would be so upset and excited inside I’d hardly be able to contain myself.  What do you think?  When I analyze it in cold blood, it seems to be the lasting sort, practically and properly thought out, but then I wonder on the other hand if a little bit of “frivol” passion and fickleness aren’t a good thing to have mixed up in your heart.  I know of no man on the face of the earth who has the principles, the ideals, the ambitions, the serious deep thoughts as well as dreamy light ones, the gentleness, kindness, respect for his mother and family all combined in so well balanced a whole as he has.  Not that he is perfect by any means.  I shouldn’t want him to be any more than human, which I too am, and I don’t want to give you a prejudiced idea.  These attributes stick out all over him, though there are many others which I am getting to know each day, some good and a few bad.  One thing I like and which nowadays one seldom finds is that unless he can say something good about a person, he will not discuss them at all.  He absolutely refuses to say anything mean or slighting about anyone.  There are many people that he doesn’t like, in fact, although he excuses the trifling, petty faults.  In the big things he wants people to come up to a pretty high standard before they are worthwhile.  He has tried to warn me that things won’t be all a pretty dream after we are married – that there will probably be many disillusionments and all that, which I know perfectly well.  Then in certain moods I have my misgivings about ever wanting to marry anyone.  There are so many little  pet schemes I should like to carry out, and I would then be free to do as I chose, and would I have the strength to make the little daily sacrifices, bear the heartaches and stings and met the burdens and suffering that married life demands even at its rosiest?  For I have sense enough  to know that impossible as they now seem – they will come – then I suddenly realize that I could never live and not be married for the selfish joys and freedom of single life can’t hold a candle to the joys and pleasures of a home and a good man to love you.  It is a serious question, I know – or think I know – and I have thought it over from every side.  I can see its drawbacks and disadvantages.  One wouldn’t have many brains who couldn’t, but after all would life be worthwhile if you didn’t have someone to strive and suffer and sacrifice for?  The other would be a vacant, aimless life in a very short time, I know.  Although I generally feel that if I once got into a hospital I could certainly make my life worthwhile, but after a time I would say, “Who really cares?  No one!”  Then how would I feel – oh! dear I know this is a jumble of ideas, but so is my mind, for I can think out both sides of the question clearly and sanely, and don’t know where I am even then.  I don’t want you to get the impression that I have promised to marry Enoch for the sake of getting married.  Dear me, not that at all.  For I feel sure that I do love him as I never loved any man – and respect and admire him much more than any other man I know.  He is apparently a thoroughly good man, and loves me dearly and sincerely I truly believe.  I feel that he would make a good husband, that we could be very happy, and although perhaps I shouldn’t say it, I feel that I should love to have a baby for him.  Now angel, I could have written this all in much prettier language, and put things in a more romantic light, but I wanted to tell it you as an outsider might, so that you could form your own opinions and not be guided by mine.  I hate to think how long it will be before I get an answer to this, for I’m so anxious to know what impression it gives you.  I feel perfectly contented and peaceful and satisfied and happy when I am with Enoch, and – well I can’t say any more.  That is I can’t put it in words.  Really what I have already said may give you a different idea from the one I mean, but you can understand I think I won’t say my life would be ruined without him, for I think anyone is a grump who feels that way.  As deeply as I love you, angel, and as much as you mean in my life – if I am alive when you die, it will be the greatest sorrow I have ever had and will take me a long time before I can live normally again, but I don’t think I would be worth much if I couldn’t pick myself up again and live cheerfully at least to all outer appearances.  So I feel the same way, that is that no man could absolutely ruin my life, although I do feel that it would be very, very hard to give him up and simply can’t think of such a thing.  However, I’ve no intentions of marrying him now, not for over a year.  So, dear, do tell me again how you feel, for I need and want your help and guidance.  If you get this before the 16^th and write right away, send it to Hongkong c/o U.S. Consul, via Siberia.  After that, U.S. Consul, Singapore, Straights Settlement – do not then put Via Siberia.  I’ve had no letters from you written between April 12^th and May 25^th.  Surely you wrote, but where are they? 

Oceans of Love,

June 29, 1913                        Alice

Wild Guess an Hour Before Sailing *****

Yamato Hotel

Darien

South Manchuria Railways

Sallie dearest:

            If you haven’t written to me so I’ll get it by the time this reaches you, won’t you wire me and just say whether you are all right or not?  I have cried every tear out of my eyes and heart and everywhere else, and just feel as though the bottom had dropped completely out of things without you to love me and bolster me up.  You know, angel, you spoiled me at home, but then I didn’t appreciate it as much as I do now.  I remember how they used to tease me about asking you if I could blow my nose etc., and didn’t realize how much I did ask you, but now when I don’t have you, I tell you it’s another story and above all – you were a woman and the dearest in all the world.  Men are pretty nice and all right and necessary at times, but I think every woman needs a woman to talk to – a woman’s mind and understanding.  I used to think and believed firmly that I was very independent and needed no one to rely on but my own marvelous judgment, in fact wanted no one.  But angel dear, when I get home you’ll have to hold my hand even when I’m taking a bath.  I shan’t let you out of my sight for a second. 

            Now I have some surprising news for you:  We sailed from Miyajima last Friday, intending to go to Seoul and up through Korea, but at the very last minute decided to take instead the steamer for Darien.  I thought at the time – now if we are shipwrecked, no one will ever know what happened for not a soul knows where we are.  Well we sailed at four o’clock.  That evening I wrote to you and next morning we stopped for two hours at a little port for coal – Neoji by name.  One of the officers was going ashore, so I went down to the cabin for my letter to you to have him mail it.  While there someone knocked, and I thought it was the steward, so called in Japanese  - “come in” and then opened the door, and who do you suppose was standing there?  My own true lover.  Really I thought I was seeing a ghost, but soon realized it was all blissfully true.  He had applied for leave, gotten to Nagasaki the day before, cabled all over Japan and Korea trying to find me till the consul in Tokyo wired him we might be somewhere around Neoji, so he spent the night on the train, got there next morning, and made a wild guess that we might be on that particular  ship and found us just an hour before sailing.  Did you ever hear of such luck?  We were the only foreigners on board – heaps of Japanese tho’.  And it was such a comfortable boat, but not very large.  I had the nicest and biggest stateroom I’ve ever seen on any ship, and the meals were wonderful.  Father insisted on foreign food, but lover and I had straight Japanese – little lacquered trays with dozens of little bowls of fish, pickles, vegetables and rice, and of course chopsticks.  It was a glorious trip, smooth seas, moonlight  nights and all through the Inland Sea – which in itself is enough to make a trip enjoyable.  It was three days to Darien.  We then took the train to Port Arthur, just two hours away, where we stayed four days.  The forts are intensely interesting, and it certainly brings me down with a bang to realize that “war is hell”. 

The buildings all have no windows, the roofs have huge holes blown in by shells, there are blocks and blocks of houses and offices without a living soul in them. It is all perfect desolation.  Near the hotel is a Russian cemetery where now they are burying properly the R. soldiers killed at Port Arthur – 70,000.  They move the bodies at night.  Many monuments are going up and it is all very impressive but horrible.  Father and lover have fought over again all the battles, undermined all the forts, blown up the tunnels, and all but been killed, till now I feel like an old war veteran myself.  We are now on the train bound for [Mukden?].  It is an all day trip – hence my wobbly writing, although I know it’s not much worse than usual. 

            It is simply perfect to have my lover here, and see all these places with him, and I think it was a Godsend for father to have him in Port Arthur to talk it all over with.  He’ll be with us for a month.  How would you like to have me come home a married woman?  He wants me to marry him in Pekin, but when I say I can’t leave father he says in that case I can marry him anyhow and just go on with my trip, and he’ll come home as soon as possible, but I don’t think that would be right, and down in the bottom of his heart too I know know he thinks it wouldn’t be best.  We are so busy making plans and talking things over.  My how I wish you were here with us.  He says to tell you that he loves you already, and that you are not going to lose a daughter, but instead will gain a son. 

He owns one sixth of a farm of 400 acres in Maryland and intends to buy the whole business as soon as he gets back to the States where he hopes to have a college detail, so that his summers will be free for three years to start it properly with all the modern improvements and methods.  That is, if I approve.  He wants me to come with him to look it over, and if I don’t like it then we’ll buy another one somewhere else.  But we are agreed that a farm we must have to go to for a few months each year when we are in the east.  We’ll raise horses, pigs, cows, chickens, ducks, fruit, and corn, and vegetables.  The one he has now has some splendid orchards.  He has always had this idea and is determined not to get into a rut as so many Army officers do who have no interests outside of the service, which of course is perfectly right, and I’m glad he feels that way. 

Oh!  Sallie dear, I thought you’d be so thrilled over my letter telling you I was engaged that you’d sit right down and answer it.  I had counted up the days so carefully when you’d get it, and when I would get yours, but something must have happened some where.  If we had been moving around, I could understand it, but mail came everyday from the consul in Yokohama.  I’m so anxious to know if you approve and to hear what you think and all about it.  What do you think of the farm scheme?  He has the money now saved up to buy it and the necessary equipment for starting, but we’ll have to save the first few years all our pennies to get it really in running order and before we can get any money out of it.

We get to [Mukahima] at 9:30 tonight.  I’m just praying for some good news from you there tomorrow morning.  We’ll be in Hongkong till about the 8^th or 18^th of August, so you can send the answer to this there, but probably after that c/o U.S. Consul, Singapore, Straights Settlement.  You can calculate it from the time it takes to get this, and it’s five days longer to Hongkong.  (Don’t forget to put Via Siberia) I don’t [you] believe you’d better put Via Siberia to Singapore – it would go more quickly by water, I think.

Oceans of love,

June 25, 1913                        Alice

Black Feather Duster

Kyoto, Japan

Lover dear:

            I’m afraid you’re tired of my complaining, but if you only knew how much your letters mean to me you wouldn’t wonder that I am so down and out when they don’t come.  I know now just how Shang used to feel when she said she  could weep if anyone pointed their finger at her for I am just that way, and every night I pray that the next day will bring good news from you, but another week has passed and still nothing.  Then too I have felt so alone, and worried about father.  He is not well – has been in bed three days with a bad cold, but got up yesterday and has been out for several little walks.  He feels a little better, but is so weak and tires easily, which as you know isn’t like him at all.  My lover in the Philippines writes that he is half sick, has a high fever etc., and has applied for leave to come to Japan to see me.  The transport doesn’t get in till after we leave for Korea, so I don’t know what’s going to happen.  Mrs. Chandler writes from Tokyo that she is sick in bed, so can’t have small pox and typhoid inoculations, nor an operation on her jaw nor get some clothes – all of which she must do before meeting us in Peking.  Now if I hear that you or Shang have been sick, I’ll just go to bed myself!  Did you know that Mary Lacy has a young daughter, and Jack London has been ordered to the President’s yacht and as aide at the White House?  Quite a snap for him, isn’t it?  I wrote to Miss Ligget not long ago to know if she would be in Peking when we are, and also to Dr. Stowe1.  You remember she is the celebrated doctor in China who was so nice to us when we were here before.  I got a new hat in Tokyo – have seen so few of the new shapes that I’m not used to this yet.  It’s one of those long, narrow effects that perches on the top of my head instead of coming down.  Delft blue straw faced with black velvet and a long blue and black feather duster sticking out behind.  It is almost impossible to get hats out here, and in the States even this would probably look as though it came out of the ark, but doesn’t bother me if it does.  Have you read, “The Lady Married”?  sequel to The Lady of the D- it is fine.  We spent a day and night at Nagoya to see the wonderful old castle and an interesting pottery factory, then came here, but poor father has been ill ever since, so we’ve not been out.  On the train I met a Japanese girl who was at Miss [Roney’s] with me and she gave me the address of one who was at Wilson with me and whom I have been trying to find.  I wrote her and got a very newsy letter all about the girls.  She knew lots more than I did, and was so sorry that she couldn’t come to K[yoto] to see me, but was teaching so could not leave.  I was so sorry too. Good night, Angel.  I love you so dearly.

June 8, 1913                        Alice

 

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1Perhaps Dr. Augusta Stowe-Gullen, the first female physician in Canada and daughter of Dr. Emily Stowe, the first female physician in the US.  Both very politically active.

Don’t picture the ordinary school teacher

[Miyajima Hotel]

Miyamoshita, Japan

Lover dearest:

            Still not a word from any of you and I’m almost frantic.  What is the matter?  Each morning I compose a cable, but then I think, “Oh! Surely by evening there’ll be a letter, so I’d better just wait.”  But it never comes, and I feel as though I couldn’t stand it another day!  We have been here nearly a week, and it is one of the loveliest spots I’ve ever seen in Japan – way up in the mountains, and the hotel is beautiful – the finest in the country and lots of foreigners.  Wasn’t it funny?  We met here some people whom we knew quite intimately in New Zealand, and there are a good many too from the Philippines.  They come here to miss the terrible heat there during May and June. There are lots of lovely walks and rides, and on long trips we are carried in chairs as it is too rough and mountainous for rikshas.  I told you, didn’t I, about Mrs. Chandler who was my roommate on the steamer?  It was she was so good to us the three weeks we spent in Tokyo.  She took us places we never otherwise could have gone or even have known about.  She was always planning nice things, and all her friends gave dinners, etc. for us, so we got quite friendly – she used to come down to stay all night with me whenever we were to be out late at night and this time coming from Nikko I spent the night with her (Father went on to Yokohama to have his eyes examined, and he has to have his glasses changes.  They’d been troubling him for some time.) and she took me to a fascinating Japanese restaurant for dinner.  Really I’ve had so much J. food and eaten with chopsticks so much lately that I wonder if I’m not getting squint eyed.  Well – the point to my story is this – Mrs. Chandler is going to China with us.  That is, her school is over the 4^th of July, so she’ll take the first steamer to meet us  in Pekin, then go on south with us.  Don’t picture the ordinary school teacher, widow type for although she is both, you’d never class her as such for she is loads of fun, dresses beautifully, has traveled a lot and is fine company.  She is just thirty.   So I think it will be lots of fun to have her with us, and she is crazy to go, but feels a little wary, for fear she is “butting in”.

 Listen, angel, I’m going to ask a favor of you, one that I always said I should ask of no one, but under the circumstances it seems different, but I don’t want you to say yes if you don’t feel like doing it – could you take some things home for me?  Those two brass candle sticks have been puzzling me ever since I got them, wondering how I could pack them around with me for a whole year longer, and then suddenly I thought that you could take one and Shang one in your trunks.  You said you weren’t going to travel so won’t buy much and won’t be troubled with any duty either;  They are about ten inches height and are in two pieces, so you could stick them almost any where.  The pair was only $3.50 all told, so the duty at most would be very little, and I’ll send you a money order for it.  Now I don’t believe in smuggling, and neither do I believe in emptying every little thing you have when you reach N.Y.  They don’t expect you to either at the customs house, so I doubt if you would have any trouble at all, but if you did, I should doubtless have to pay much more, for I’ll have so much more stuff, especially by that time.  You see I can send it to you in England absolutely duty free, so do tell me right away if you think you can do it, also if either of you will have room for a couple of embroidered waist fronts, and some gauze luncheon sets that are as flat as paper, and how much in value you are willing to risk.  Is there anything like lace or linen, etc that you’d like me to get you in China?  If so I can send it via Siberia very easily, and you can sew it on a dress and have no trouble at all getting it in to N.Y.  It will be the greatest help and relief imaginable if you can take these things, for my trunks are simply bursting now, and there is so much that I want to get in China and India. 

We’ve been having awful earthquakes, much worse than any we felt in New Zealand or the Philippines, and I’d thought I’d got used to them, but they still scare me to pieces.  Last night I was nearly shaken out of bed! 

Heaps of love angel dearest.

June 1, 1913.                                    Alice.